[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Okay, girlies, gather around.
I am so excited for our first meeting
of Snap's Bomb-Ass Fem Book Club,
inspired by Emma Watson's Instagram.
Did everyone get a chance to read
the landmark feminist book "The Baby-Sitters Club:
Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls"?
GIRLS: Yes! - Great!
What were your favorite "yas, queen" moments?
I thought it was really cool to see girls
as small business owners.
Yaaas, Margot!
We don't see that enough.
I like when they trapped the guy who was making
the harassing telephone calls.
Yaaas, Francine!
Ugh. That was a total Time's Up moment.
People tend to think harassment is a new trend,
but this book proves it existed as far back as the '80s.
I also liked the way the characters
worked together and supported each other.
Hmm. That's where she almost lost me.
Five women working successfully together?
It's just not realistic.
Especially when some of them are noticeably hotter
than the others.
I love Ann M. Martin.
Female writers are so cool.
They are so cool.
Yaaas, fem lit! [LAUGHS]
[ROCK MUSIC]
synced and corrected by susinz *www.addic7ed.com*
Ugh. This is exhausting.
You've only carried in one box.
That's one box too many.
Where is Mary-Louise?
The only reason I didn't protest getting book fair duty
was because I knew she'd do all the work.
Seriously. I'm not unloading dick.
Baby's orders.
Everybody, shut up!
I have finally figured out what my life's dream is.
To read at a third-grade level?
No, Deb.
"Patty Parakeet Breaks the Glass Ceiling"?
It's by C.F. Blinky.
She's the guest author for this year's book fair.
Her books are way feminist,
and they teach girls about bending over.
You mean leaning in?
Yeah, same thing.
I read her book this morning,
and I was so inspired by it... and the fact
that she was a featured friend on "The Real Housewives
of Potomac"... that I have decided
to be a children's author just like her!
You're going to write a children's book?
Yeah.
They're, like, 20 words spread out over eight pages.
I tweet the equivalent of ten children's books a day.
So what are you gonna write about?
I don't know, which is why I want to talk
to a professional like C.F. Blinky,
who, by the way, is friends with Reese Witherspoon.
[BRACE SQUEAKING]
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm tardy to the party.
Mary-Louise, what happened?
Oh, I pulled my erector spinae
reaching for a Sour Patch Kid that rolled under my car seat.
Oh, crap. So you can't lift anything?
Would you feel better if you got to smell Chelsea's hair?
Nah. It's her fifth day with dry shampoo.
It won't be nice and fresh till another two.
Not to worry, though!
I called some movers to help us.
They should be here any... minute.
[SWANKY ROCK MUSIC]
Moving Hunks?
♪ ♪
I thought they meant like hunks of furniture
or hunks of trash, not hunks of...
- Meaty man muscle? - [SIGHS]
How did you find these guys?
Pastor Ted recommended them.
He said he uses them whenever he has to do any heavy lifting.
He's always rearranging the rectory.
♪ ♪
- I have to go. - Wait.
You're not gonna stay around for a good eye-bone?
No. I am currently pursuing loftier goals
than getting lost in chiseled abs,
a tight butt, or how the muscles
perfectly shape into that deep V
right above that thick D!
[GASPS] Whoo! [LAUGHS]
Yeah.
I sacrifice for my art.
[IRREVERENT ROCK MUSIC]
You look like a low-rent limo driver at O'Hare.
I want to make C.F. Blinky feel taken care of
from the moment she sets foot on Fillmore soil.
Then why have you been eating
the cookie bouquet the school got her?
I sampled the product to make sure it was up to par.
It is.
Hi. I'm here for the book fair.
C.F. Blinky in da house!
- Oh, God. - Oh, my gosh.
So nice to meet you!
Chelsea Snap. Huge fan.
Huuuge.
What's wrong with you? Thank you.
I'll take it from here, Mavis.
That's Mavis. She sorts paper.
Oh.
I'll be your liaison while you're here.
Is Brent in his office, Mavis?
- No, but you can't go... - Great!
Right this way, C.F. [GIGGLING]
[WHISPERING] Get lost.
[SIGHS]
It is so good to have a fellow writer visit the school.
- Oh, you're a writer too? - Oh, yeah.
- I'm published on Twitter. - Oh.
I'm actually writing my first children's book.
- It's totally feminist and awesome. - Oh.
So, what are you writing right now?
Oh, you know, I'm in the process
of outlining my next book.
- It's about a cat named Rachel. - Uh-huh.
Yeah, who opens, um, a no-kill shelter.
- Oh, that's good. - Yeah, Rachel wants to help
her fellow female felines... see, it's alliteration.
That's really good. That'll work.
Now, is it Rachel with an A or the normal way?
What are you doing?
I'm gathering ideas for my book.
Okay, but you know that's plagiarism, right?
I'm gonna change the cat's name.
Well, then, why did you ask me how to spell it?
So I would use a different spelling!
- [LAUGHS] Duh. - Okay, if you want to be an author,
you have to tell your own story.
- Wow. - Yeah.
You are such a good mentor.
Uh, no, I'm not your mentor.
Yes. You are.
No, a mentorship works two ways.
It has to be consensual.
Uh-huh. I consent.
[PERCUSSIVE STING]
[SMOOTH POP MUSIC]
[MAN VOCALIZING]
Yeah.
♪ ♪
[MEN GRUNTING]
- Okay. - [SIGHS]
I love the way their veins bulge
when they lift things from underneath.
I wish they'd...
ALL: Lift me from underneath.
[GRUNTS]
So, this work?
No, I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna need to see it over there again.
♪ ♪
- Yeah. - Okay.
This is about played out. What else can they move?
This feels wrong.
We're all in committed relationships.
We shouldn't be gawking at these guys.
It's not cheating if it's not physical.
You don't believe in emotional cheating?
No. This isn't emotional.
The only thing crying is my vagina.
I'm just sayin'.
She wet.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
C.F.?
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! [GIGGLES]
Okay, I'm a little busy right now...
- I know. - With the... with the children.
These kids are everywhere.
As part of our mentorship,
I want to pitch a few story ideas to you.
- Again, I'm not your mentor. - Okay.
So, it's a story about an empowered female
who is determined to stand up for herself,
so she confronts her boyfriend.
"Why won't you return my texts?"
WORKING TITLE: this emoji...
So, definitely not that.
Do you have other ideas?
Oh. Let me see here.
Uh-huh.
That was actually my only idea.
[SIGHS] Why don't you try one
that doesn't revolve around a boy?
Okay. Got it.
It's a story about a girl
hangin' in the park,
talking to another girl.
I like that.
And she says, "Why won't my boyfriend return my texts?"
Oh, boy.
Try one where the protagonist
doesn't mention or interact with men at all.
Okay, got it.
It's a girl, sitting in her apartment,
alone.
And?
- What is she doing? - Nothing, like you said.
[SIGHS]
How do you write a woman without a man?
It's impossible!
- What's this? - These are just illustrations
I made from the point of view of the woman.
Well, that's great.
They're just pictures of men.
[EXOTIC SITAR MUSIC]
What are you doing?
Meditating.
I thought my book idea might come to me,
but I keep fantasizing
about Jason Momoa as Aquaman!
If I rolled my eyes
as hard as I want to right now, I'd go blind.
At least I am trying, Deb.
Okay. What do you want to write about?
I don't know. Something for girls?
Well, if you're looking for ideas,
there are girls all around you.
Write what matters to them.
Wow, Deb. That is the first time
you've ever given me advice that didn't involve
pepper spray or a baseball bat.
No prob.
I gotta go give the Moving Hunks
something else to do before they try to take off again.
Oh, no, oh, no! You're so big,
I'm getting pulled in by your gravity!
Earthquake.
- Leave me alone. - Hey!
Stop it.
What do you think you're doing?
- Nothing. - "Nothing."
You think making fun of someone is nothing?
Hmm. What if someone said to you,
"Nice vest. What are you, a service dog?"
Or you. What if someone said to you,
"Jeffrey Dahmer wants his glasses back"?
And don't act like I haven't seen your mom
pulling you on a leash at the mall, Bob.
Say you're sorry.
Sorry.
Okay. Bye.
I am so sorry that happened to you, Lizzie.
Bullying is not okay.
No one should ever make fun of someone
for the way they look.
One day, these people are gonna see
how bomb you are, and they'll be sorry.
- Thanks, Ms. Snap. - [GIGGLES]
Oh, my God. [GASPS]
That's my book!
[CYMBAL SHIMMERING]
Oh! Good for you. Off you go.
Thank you, Jesus.
[SMOOTH POP MUSIC]
You mean, thank me?
I've booked them for the rest of the week.
Ugh.
I don't feel so good.
What's wrong?
- I don't know, I just... - [GASPS]
- Are you okay, Miss? - I'm so cold.
Hypothermia. Hey, hey, come here.
We gotta warm her up.
Come on, skin to skin.
Come on.
Oh... [GROANS]
- Right there. - I think I'm gonna need more skin.
Get that thing off.
Come on, bring it in tight.
So, so cold.
[MEN BREATHING HEAVILY]
[MOANS]
So cold!
[ROCK MUSIC]
Thank you.
I'm feeling much better now.
Excuse me, boys.
I'm supposed to rub these transdermal vitamins
on my lower back, for the health of my baby,
and I can't seem to reach.
Oh, let me help you with that, miss.
Only if it's not too much trouble.
- Yeah, no, not at all. - Oh!
[SENSUAL R&B MUSIC]
[MOANS]
Oh, no. [GASPS]
I hope I don't choke on this.
[GASPS]
♪ ♪
[GAGGING]
Good work, Mary-Louise.
I didn't think you had it in you.
Oh, wait, she's really choking.
Oh, no, no, don't stop creaming me up, though.
- Oh! - They got it.
- Heimlich! - [MOANS]
Back brace is in the way.
What's a back brace doing on a young woman?
[RETCHES]
[CYMBAL SHIMMERING]
I'm sorry, sir.
I thought it was chewing gum.
They're both pink, you know.
[PERCUSSIVE STING]
Hello?
Everyone?
I know you're all excited
to hear C.F. Blinky read tomorrow,
but there's another author in da house.
[LAUGHS] Me!
So gather around because my first book
is about to drop right now.
Before I begin, I would like to thank
the woman I would stand with on a mountain,
bathe with in the sea,
and lay with like this forever.
My mentor, C.F. Blinky.
Nope.
I'm not your mentor.
I'm not her mentor, guys.
This story was inspired by a very moving experience
I had with a little girl
who was going through a difficult time.
"TINY TINA": a book by Dr. Chelsea Snap.
This is Tina.
Tina was tubby.
Every day, she was bullied, and she would cry.
She thought to herself,
"Will this ever end?"
So she stopped eating.
And she got thinner...
and thinner... and thinner...
And thinner...
and thinner... and thinner,
until her hunger plateaued and she was finally happy,
because she was tiny.
The end.
[ROCK MUSIC]
Hey, hey.
You wrote a pro-anorexia book?
Pro-anorexia?
I wrote a book about a fat girl who takes control
of her life by not eating anymore.
That's the definition of anorexia.
That book was reprehensible!
But it didn't have any men in it!
Oh, my God. Okay, you know what?
Stop writing.
Your ideas should not be heard.
Excuse me?
Hey, you want to have a positive effect on the world?
Never write anything ever again!
You are not a writer!
They told Andy Warhol he wasn't a painter!
And he stuck with it, and look what happened!
Campbell's Soup ended up using his art on their cans!
[SIGHS] I will not give up.
[THUNDER ROLLING]
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
Oh, hi.
I'm just grabbing some desks for the Hunks to move tomorrow.
♪ ♪
Wait, what are you doing here so late?
Proving everyone wrong.
Chelsea.
If you want to try and convince people
you're not a terrible teacher,
the children have to be here.
[SCOFFS] I don't care about that.
No one ever thinks I'm capable of achieving my goals:
the producers of "Real World,"
the producers of "Naked and Afraid,"
the producers of "Teen Mom," and now C.F. Blinky.
I refuse to let another person
write me off as not good enough!
- "Teen Mom"? - I would have gotten pregnant!
I think you're overlooking a crucial adjective.
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]
♪ ♪
Thank you!
I am young and talented. I am young and talented.
I am young and talented!
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
"Patty Parakeet Breaks the Glass Ceiling."
Thank you.
[LAUGHS] Yes.
Hey, uh, we just want to say thanks for all the help.
We're gonna really miss you guys.
- Wish we could say the same. - I'm sorry?
We felt completely objectified
by you ladies all week.
But you're called Moving Hunks.
You wear tiny jean shorts.
- And tight tank tops. - Whoa.
We wear those so we can feel sexy.
Not for you.
Yeah, I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school.
- I felt unsafe. - Whoa. Relax.
Okay. Please don't tell us to relax.
It's really condescending.
The end.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Oh, hold on.
No, no, what are you doing?
[LAUGHS]
Everyone, uh, wait.
Don't move.
There is one more author.
Me.
Hey, girl.
- Ugh. - So sorry. That was great.
- I was so inspired. - Okay.
Get ready to be wowed, though.
[SIGHS]
Before I begin,
I would like to apologize to those of you
who were at my reading of "Tiny Tina."
I have since learned that Tina was not happy
and she did have issues.
"Medium-Size Marla":
a book by Nobel Laureate Chelsea Snap.
Marla wasn't fat.
Marla wasn't skinny.
Marla was average and okay with it.
[UPLIFTING PIANO MUSIC]
People didn't stare at her or call her names.
They just kind of thought,
"Marla? I don't really have
a strong opinion about her either way."
When people were introduced to her,
they'd say, "I don't think we've met,"
but she'd always met them,
sometimes three or four times.
But they were usually okay with her
when they were reintroduced,
so she didn't mind.
She had a good time at the party.
No one asked her to dance,
but no one asked her to leave either.
Marla was able to skate through life
without ever being noticed.
And it was A-OK.
The end.
[COUGHS]
♪ ♪
- C.F.? Ooh. - Hey, girl.
Hey, C.F. Hey.
What did you think?
Well, it was a book.
Uh-huh.
Uh, not a very good book.
There was no story, no structure,
the character was completely one-dimensional,
and it lacked any point of view.
But other than that...
Did you guys hear that?
Yeah. That was rough.
She said it was a book.
Authors write books.
I am an author!
[SCOFFS]
Hey.
I just wanted to say I loved your story.
It is so refreshing
to finally meet a woman around here
who's a real role model.
Can I buy a copy for my niece?
You know what?
You can have the original manuscript.
I'll even sign it for you.
Wow. Thank you.
Uh-huh.
There you go.
"Nice bulge, hot dick"?
[SCOFFS]
Excuse me, ma'am.
I heard you were looking for a hunk to haul some junk.
Why, yes, I was.
And you are quite the hunk.
Oh!
You even brought props.
[SUGGESTIVE NEW AGE MUSIC]
[GROANS]
[WHISPERING] It's okay.
♪ ♪
[GRUNTS]
♪ ♪
You know what?
I would much rather have you move
one of those water jugs.
Oh, you want me to move your jugs, huh?
Oh, yeah.
♪ ♪
It's empty.
Uh-oh.
I better fill it up.
Oh. [GIGGLES]
♪ ♪
I gotta get underneath it.
♪ ♪
- How about the toaster? - [GRUNTS]
Oh, you want me to... move your toaster, huh?
Toby, I gotta get back to work, so...
Yeah, I'll-I'll get the toaster.
I get it.
[SIGHS]
[GASPS] Oh, it's electric.
♪ ♪
Ah! Hot! Hot!
synced and corrected by susinz *www.addic7ed.com*